Doing nothing is hard, you never know when youre done. 212. To conclude this list of funny affirmations, heres a few that are specifically focused around work. Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. Be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet from the inside., 11. Albert Einstein Im sorry that Im not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse. Related Post: 201 Awesome Short Inspirational Quotes About Life. .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. 42. I am willing to ask for help when it serves my growth. 146. Even on my worst day, Ive still got 24 hours. The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them. Every one of my colleagues brings happiness into the office. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 202. 25. I ve had great success using daily affirmations for my personal development. 107. 54. I believed in Santa Claus for 10 years. A backbone. Rather, the goal is to help kids recognize the truth, in situations and in themselves. Yes, officer, I saw the speed limit, I just didnt see your car. I honor that time. Reciting witty affirmations can help you rise above any problems you encounter. I am so f*cking awesome. I said no to drugs, but they just wouldnt listen. Life is becoming easier and less serious. I am lazy till I get a motive. 185. Albert Einstein. 1. My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. 163. One of the most important aspects of affirmations is how authentic they feel to you. As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases. Dont drink to forget me, youll end up seeing me double. 3. I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it. 272. Friends buy you food. I didnt give you the finger, you earned it. Read the first word again. They shape our present and have an impact on our future. 222. 221. Im a work in progress without a completion date., See also: 120 Ultimate Best Quotes About Progress To Fuel Your Growth. You never run out of things that can go wrong. Stuart Turner 88. "Whatever you do, do with all your might.". Make the statements about yourself and for yourself. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle. It can get you out of a tight corner and people who lack a sense of humor cannot do. How do trees access the internet? 250. I eat cake because its someones birthday somewhere today. Chris Rock Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. Send me the link. No No NOYes. 125. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. I attract the right people and repel the wrong ones. 188. Today, I am thankful for this week. Love your enemies. Today Im going to reach for the stars so that I can air out my armpits., 8. These 50 funny affirmations will help you feel better about yourself while keeping a wide smile on your face. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but Im still going to keep looking. Lily Tomlin Get Love Tips Sent Straight To Your Inbox. Because it was soda pressing. We frequently doubt ourselves. The library, because it has so many stories. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? 172. It just plain forms. So with that being said, heres a list of funny affirmations. I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge. Robert A. Heinlein, 243. Pardon me, I have 6 pounds of boneless mass to get rid of. 199. 1. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. Not everyone has good taste. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool. Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. I am intelligent. 164. Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. In between, I am alive., 7. No matter what I look like. "If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.". We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack. Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else. I am joyful for achieving the ones I did. What better way to do that than through your own self-talk? All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. It gets toad away. I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. Its okay, he woke up. 49. Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up. - Kyle Chandler. 226. 122. Bill Gates. I understand people talking about me. I don't entertain negativity in any shape or form. Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. "You're in mint condition for a vintage model. Positive mindset affirmations. I love my job only when Im on vacation. 266. 149. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldnt complain. No, but April may. The most important thing to remember when using positive affirmations is that it is all about how you feel. I am enough. If I lose my hopes, I am afraid my mom will still scold me for taking it out and showing it to friends. Yesterday I did nothing and today Im finishing what I did yesterday. Im sorry, but thats just the way I am. ( @malacollective) Fear and adventure go hand-in-hand when you're following your dreams. Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? 9. My to-do list doesnt include dealing with negative people., 5. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. And a funny bone. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. Be careful when you follow the masses. 153. I will never let anyone treat me like a yellow starburst. 22. I dont worry about getting older. 9. The world needs people like me to keep things interesting! 4. I have Alzheimers bulimia, first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke. Affirmations can be written in a journal, spoken out loud, or visualized as a conversation between you and money. Paul Ehrlich, 241. By waking up and repeating this mantra, you will set the tone for the day. 279. 110. If youre hotter than me, then that means Im cooler than you. You can only be young once. 261. I am thankful for all the problems I dont have. Home: Where I can look ugly and not care. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. 83. I am finding fun and joy in everything I do and everywhere I go. 262. Sarcasm is a tool of highly intelligent people and if you're one of them (I bet you are), you're going to love these funny affirmations that are filled with humor and sarcasm.I'm sure you've heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily.They are a powerful to. Today is a great day. Be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet from inside. Wilson Mizner, 262. 2. As I become responsible, I have got more powers. 251. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. After all, laughter is a universal way to express yourself. 88. 74. Happy Birthday.". 145. With a cowculator. I am capable of eating a family-sized bag of chips. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. Socrates. A backbone. You may have people laugh at you instead of with you. Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now thats confusing. 9. If I want a squirrel to like me, I guess I gotta act like a nut., 6. Wilson Mizner So far, so good. I did it! A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. 84. We all have those days when we feel like the world is coming to an end. - Jack London. You might enjoy: Affirmations: 13 Answers You Should Know. 8. 66. My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people dont think Im dead. Art doesnt transform. 16. 259. 140. 176. Your words become your actions. 1. 141. 230. I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. 255. "Once you choose hope, anything's possible.". When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. Today, I look at my goals. I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls. A wishbone. When, in fact, we must be optimistic and supportive of ourselves. Best friends eat your food. I personally love watching masters of comedy captivate audiences with their dark humor and crafty punchlines. May life man not be perfect, but Im blessed., 13. I really should do something with my life, maybe tomorrow. To anybody I hurt this year, I just wanna say you deserve it. 271. Whats the difference between a guitar and a fish? Not everyone has good taste., 3. 87. -Katrina Bowden. Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge. 275. - George Burns. My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. 169. 8. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. I tell you what always catches my eye. IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. 32. I am intelligent. I will drink my coffee and conquer my day. Edward A. Murphy. I only check my voicemail to get rid of the annoying little icon. 254. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. 17. Next up is a collection of funny affirmations that will make you love yourself more. Confidence makes me powerful. can help you become successful in whatever you choose to do in life. 225. I didnt mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. 237. Im not running away from hard work, Im too lazy to run. 73. Theres life without Facebook and internet? 177. 159. Henny Youngman, 246. However, just saying these statements out loud wont cut it. As you can see, laughter is already a powerful tool on its own. My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. Dont forget to drink water and get some sun. I said no to drugs, but they just wouldnt listen. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again. I'm a peli-can! I am just making myself capable enough to live in the moment. Sincerely, yourself. I love the moment when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable badass I am going to be today., 12. You can also share them with your co-workers to put a smile on their faces. Jonathan lockwood huie. But a little chocolate now and then doesnt hurt. Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me? Because seven ate nine. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. 80 Soren Kierkegaard Quotes On Love, Life And Philosophy, Top 90 Martin Luther King Jr. No matter how bad it gets, Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. I am changing all my useless things into something productive by working on them. When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. 61. "It's going to be hard, but hard does not mean impossible.". 34. Stop texting me in the middle of texting you, now I have to change my text. 230. Robert Bloch. I might go home today, but I will go bigger tomorrow. 186. Effective pushing often involves poop. Funny Daily Affirmations. Good morning! Choose a job you love and youll never have to work a day in your lifebecause that field isnt hiring. Description for this block. 69. I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. 40 Apology Paragraph For Her To Say Im Sorry, 80 Cute Relationship Quotes For Sweet Couples In Love, 50 Doubt In Relationship Quotes To Rebuild Trust, 75 Sad Broken Relationship Quotes To Fix Your Heartbreak, 70 Relationship Honesty Quotes On Love, Trust & Loyalty, 80 Relationship Sorry Quotes To Apologize To Your Love, 65 Disney Quotes About Family That Will Warm Your Heart, 90 Best Shrek Quotes From The Funny Ogre Movie, 80 Blended Family Quotes To Share With Your Loved Ones, 90 Female Fitness Quotes For Women Who Workout. Good morning! I could agree with you, but then wed both be wrong. Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but Im still going to keep looking. 266. Well, life isn't just about glitz and glamour nor rainbows and butterflies. I love myself, which is why I dont need to love the idea of other people loving me., 12. 175. I am strong and getting stronger every day. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. Why cant you play cards on a small boat? Dont give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. Fortunately, theres a way to reap the benefits of these powerful statements by giving them a humorous twist. You deserve it! Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? 220. It is already tomorrow in Australia.". "Life is like a roller coaster pic - scary at the moment, funny looking back.". The thing is, Im still getting ready. Youre talking to yourself. Whatever I do, I will do it for fun, but with dedication and focus. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome. I release all shame about my body. God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. I bet giraffes dont even know what farts smell like. 115. Dont worry, the spider is smaller than you. Dont worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. Walking into a room and then forgetting why I am here is my daily cardio. My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour. "I am becoming humorous day by day.". Your habits become your values. I really should do something with my life, maybe tomorrow. No matter how bad it gets Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. "Disconnect to connect.". Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control. 263. My mood swings keep life interesting. I am thankful for all those difficult people in my life. 236. 8. After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F. A wishbone. Repeat the affirmation as many times as you see fit. These little phrases can be said aloud or written down anywhere to remind yourself that everything will turn out okay. 211. 40. Pleasing everyone, thats impossible. 13. 181. "When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.". 100 Funny Christmas Quotes. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut. I radiate calmness and tranquility, with a little side of body odor., 4. 14. What do I do for a living? Why did the can crusher quit his job? Remember: Dont Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. 97. 59. 118. I radiate calmness and tranquility, with a little side of body odor. I am sorry not everyone will have the pleasure of knowing me., 14. 22. - Roy T. Bennett. Life always offers you a second chance. Wake up and smell the birdshit on your windshield. 200. It may look like Im doing nothing, but in my head, Im quite busy. Franklin Jones, 259. 106. 184. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. I put my phone in airplane mode, but its not flying. Why cant you play cards on a small boat? If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut. Alexa, please clean the negativity off of my mind please., 4. Dear universe, Im totally open to all of the amazing things coming my way. On Mercury, a day lasts 1,408 hours. "Don't let anyone ever dull your . I walk in the direction of what feels good for my soul. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. 229. My mistakes dont define me. - Donald Trump. My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. Similar to how it's important to minimize distractions in the workplace, you need a few minutes of peace to focus and mindfully say your affirmations. Never take life seriously. Whether its at other people or at ourselves, its good to laugh in life. 212. Start as soon as you wake up in the morning. 112. It has many of the same goals as affirmations, as theyre both associated with positivity and happiness. First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. But you're not as old as you're going to be.". My funny vibes attract my happy tribe. When our phones fall, we panic; but when our friends fall, we laugh. If you dont succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried. How do trees access the internet? Just like every Monday does on Earth. We get so worried about being pretty lets be pretty kind, pretty funny, pretty smart, pretty strong., 9. 27. To thrive in life you need three bones. I didnt fall, Im just spending some quality time with the floor. Hmmm, this text message is a little too harsh, Ill add LOL at the end. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. If Im not there, I go to work. Robert Orben, 4. Roy Lichtenstein. My to-do list doesnt include dealing with negative people. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. I can do this. I get up, dress up, and show up. Its alright if you dont agree with me, I cant force you to be right. Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late. Why is England the wettest country? The rhythm of the weekend, with its birth, its planned gaieties, and its announced end, followed the rhythm of life and was a substitute for it. 61. 133. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. 114. Im like a postage stamp. 100. The only relationship I have is with my Wifi. I dont need validation from others to know Im killing it. "Have a great Wednesday. 19. 3. We are going to be best friends forever, besides you already know too much. Whatever the case may be, these 15 affirmations will make you feel confident in your sense of humor: Once youre feeling happy and confident about your sense of humor, use these 35 affirmations to navigate challenging situations with a smile. 58. Whats the difference between a guitar and a fish? We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack. 2. 142. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. Ive been doing nothing for years. 229. (John 14:27) 27. I can always be fatter. 187. Go to bed with satisfaction.". Friends buy you food. When they go away, its a brighter day. Funny Friday Quotes. I am transforming into someone who is outgoing and makes others laugh. Dear universe, I am totally open to all the amazing things coming my way. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? 43. Dont worry about those who talk behind your back, theyre behind you for a reason., See also: The Best List Of 130 People Talk Behind Your Back Quotes. Life doesnt have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes. If you enjoyed reading these funny positive affirmations, make sure to bookmark this page for future reference, and share your favorite affirmations with your friends and family. I have committed to being my most outstanding self. Its okay, he woke up. So, why not team them up? 148. 205. 226. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldnt complain. Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? [click_to_tweet tweet=I can always think of something funny to say. quote=I can always think of something funny to say. theme=style4], 2023 Oldtown Publishing LLC 479 State Route 17 N They say dont try this at home so Im coming over to your house to try it. 7. You wanna know who Im in love with? You may have people laugh at you instead of with you. You can use affirmations to alleviate pressure in highly stressful scenarios, like taking an exam or going to a job interview. Its a door, thats how they work. You can write them on sticky notes to set on your mirror, on the notes app in your phone for on-the-go encouragement, or you can simply memorize your favorites and recite . 28. 203. 37. 126. 20. The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. Even on my worst days, turning on some stand up immediately puts me in a better mood. Seeing a spider in my room isnt scary. - Benjamin Franklin. In the morning, I cant get up. Relax, its the weekend, just dont blink or it will be all over. Leave me a if you agree! No man goes before his timeunless the boss leaves early. If you cant remember my name, just say chocolate and Ill turn around.. 111. 2. 10. My windows arent dirty, my dog is painting. 233. Raimonda.B. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Of course, I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. 89. 173. 219. I will be the type of person I would like my children to become. When affirmations make you feel good about yourself, they are most effective. Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter; people the opposite. 151. I know the best time to make fun. Charles M. Schulz. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. Stop playing with me., 6. Be careful when you follow the masses. Ive made it from the bed to the couch. Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. 3. I tell you what always catches my eye. Effective pushing often involves poop. - TS Eliot. Ken Dodd 267. Today I will embrace the poop., 7. 182. I feed my spirit. 81. You can write them down and use them whenever youre attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. Because they make up everything. Rodney Dangerfield. Ted Turner. 236. 264. 225. 161. 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